This is an open diary of my boring life. There are only two rules that I'll be following while writing this:
I'm scared that this will turn into another one of those projects where I will do something for 10 days and then forget about it. I hate and honestly, I'm scared of the part of me thats so undisciplined. I feel like there are two personas within me: the goody two shoes muds (slinker) and absolute degenerate muds (stinker). Kinda like gollum in the lord of the rings (the books not the movie). Anyhow, I'm assuming the reson I lose interest in stuff is because I try to only show things that are "perfect" in the public. This is kinda an attempt to literally put garbage out there and hopefully, over time, this "garbage" becomes legible. I feel the two personality thingie literally stems from this insecurity I have against having "garbage" associated with me so I found it easier to play some complicated mental game in my head to seperate stuff out. Anyhow, time for introductions: im going to refer to myself as muds. I adopted the screenname a long time ago when I saw someone called private snowball's in a counter strike game and I figured that since I'm brown (I can already see 90% of people stop reading here lol) I'll call myself mudballs. Not out of any racist or self deprecating tendencies, it just felt right and I didn't put thought into it and I am now stuck with it for better or for worse and I'll stick to it because why not. People didn't say the full thing tho so my screen name got shortened to "muds" over time. Time for introductions is now over. That was a long time ago. Now, I'm working towards a PhD yay. There is just one slight wee problem. I haven't written enough in my life and so my writing sucks. and because of this axiety I have against having my ideas judged I haven't published anything in the last two years. im assuming this is just one out of a BILLION issues why I haven't pulished but whatever. Oh I should back up maybe. In my field (computer science) stuff moves REALLY fast so its important to publish a lot. When I say "publish" it is really a complex procedure of identifying an issue with a current "thing" and improving it in some way or the other and showing this improvement emperically through experiments. Now, the reason CS moves really fast is because experiments are hella cheap to run and its the idea that counts. So we can iterate on ideas and run experiments on them really fast. Plus CS has the added benifit that everything computers do can be mathematically reasoned in a framework of formal logic. So if you have an idea, it is mathematically sound, and the experiments show that it works well, you can essentially publish in computer science. I'm assuming people in other areas have a rough time because there is a ton of error involved with measuring bacteria or what not. Anyhow, each PhD and each PhD department is different so I can't really say much about other peoples experiences. Holy shit it seems like I've already written a ton. This no backspace thing works well lol. Okay other than that, I've been also working out a lot more recently so my muscles ache a lot.... I'm wondering if I should organize all this better... Actually no that literally goes against the no backspace rule. Anyhow, I am glad that neocites exists as well. It reminds me of my teenage years (I was born in 1999 so honestly shouldn't talk like an old fart but it was great being the last generation where the decentralized internet was still a thing). Anyhow, I'm currently procastinating from working on my main project. I know what to do and I honestly should go and work on it but I'm anxious that I will fuck stuff up again (like I always have in life) but honestly writing it out is making me realize why I fuck stuff up -- because I try to be perfect at it and end up not doing it at all -- which is great. Well this has been a shitty rant but it was helpful. I should do this more often. Hopefully, if youre still reading this, you haven't doxxed me. but if you have honestly its all good. I feel this has been really helpful. bye for today!